Monster

I linked the song "Monster" by Eminem to a friend as a joke earlier, and it made my brain go super fast with thoughts about my mental state.

When I see my therapist and psychiatrist (I see two different ones), neither of them have given the hallucination and psychotic episodes much thought. They were the first ones to just accept me going 'it's okay' and not push, instead push for fixing things that *aren't* okay. I was really happy wtih that, and it's one of the reasons why I've stuck wtih these guys for so long. But why did that mean a lot to me?

It kind of hit me as I was listening to this song. I'm friends iwth the monster under my bed, get along with the voices, inside of my  head. That sounds so accurate. I can relate to it clearly, the hallucinations that are visual? They rarely scare me, or even bother me (except the ones that cause vertigo, because they make me feel really sick). A person standing over my bed? No big deal. Strange naimals walking around me? Totally cool. Cold hand grasping my wrist? I'm okay with it. Chattering voices I can hear when I am the only one in the room? Totally fine. I'm aware of what's real and what's not, and if I ever slip an dcan't define what's real, that's what I have Zeus for. I'm not *scared*. I don't really care about fixing that part of me, because it feels natural and fine and normal. That makes me crazy and that's okay, because I'm not ready to fix this and that means it *will not* get fixed.

 BUt the ocd, the anxiety, the intense fear born jealousy over the most stupid things possible? Those had to go. I needed them fixed, so I kept seeing doctor after doctor, and they kept going OH MY GOD YOU HALLUCINATE, and then ignored everything else I tried to explain to them, because they HAD TO FIX THE HALLUCINATIONS. So I'd lose interest, and just.. go to another doctor. They weren't fixing what I needed fixed.

Getting help isn't as easy as going to a therapist and them listing everything wrong with you. Sure they can prescribe pills, but without knowing exactly what you're trying to fix, that's very hit or miss. And if you do'nt believe them/don't WANT the help they want to give you, they may as well hand you some sugar pills and walk away because that's all the good that will happen from that visit.

I walk into therapists and psychiatirsts *completely comfortable* with my crazy side, and not particularly wanting to change that. It's the anxiety, the terrors of people, of real things, that I want to fix. The obsessions, the compulsive disorders, I want to fix those. But hearing voices? no, i think I'm okay with that. And that's why doctors who go "You are a psychotic" and start trying to remove THAT as the problem, fail so badly with me. I don't particularly want to change that part of me, it is not dangerous and it is a part of who I am and how I coped with life. It feels like removing one of my coping mechanisms and leaving me bare wtihout my monsters to keep me safe from the world. How do I survive without them giving me strength?

But when I talked to my current psychiatrist and therapist, both of them were A OK with me continuing as I am, as long as the psychotic episodes weren't posing a danger to myself or others. And you know.. I've really responded to the treatment. I feel like I have stepped into a whole new level of being me, of living life and BEING. Since I started the new medications for *ocd and GAD*, not psychosis, I have had 0 suicidal thoughts. Zero. None of them. They're gone as if they weren't there at all. I have had a much stable time with my emotions and I FEEL stronger. I feel like I can take on the world and it will be okay. I am seeing the changes happening that I need to have happen, without forcing myself to change the parts of me that I'm comfortable with, even though it's completely broken by 'normal' standards. 

And my monsters are still with me, keeping me crazy and keeping me strong. And that's okay, because I am getting more and more healthy with each passing day. Uniquely healthy in my own way.

Posted by

Share: