Inside a psychotic episode
This is a bit of an odd blog for me today, but I was thinking after my last blog, that it might be helpful to type a real time account of what a psychotic episode is like for me.
As you can see, I'm typing pretty clearly, this isn't a particularly frightening spell, so I'm able to function through it. That's how most of my episodes are, it's only when the anxiety gets mixed in that I have to completely shut down and the panic attacks start. So, here we go.
I had some vivid dreams last night, about me being a farmgirl turned princess, who was rescuing a drowning villager and somehow saved the day. It was a great dream. However when I woke, I knew that the day was going to be a bit of a rough one. I wake up all at once because I allow myself to sleep naturally. No alarm clocks, I wake up when I wake up, so my eyes open and I am not foggy with sleep. I noticed that I could hear whispering all around me, loudly. I couldn't understand the voices, it was just a hoarse, wheezy kind of whispering and it moved around me. It was like if you press your ear to a wall, and can hear the sounds of conversation muffled through the wall? You might almost make out words, but they don't quite come through? That's what it was like.
So I got up, let the dogs out, and zeus refused to go. That's when I knew that I was pretty unsteady. I went and took my medications, ignoring the fish that were swimming past my head, fish that looked like they were made out of smoke, and sat down to eat a little food and try to let things settle. Sometimes it's just a waking dream, like my brain isn't done dreaming yet, so if I give myself time to wake up all the way, they usually stop.
Then I got a skype notification that my dad messaged me. the only problem with this is a. my dad is at work and b. I had not started up skype yet. I'm pretty good at analyzing things logically to tell what's real and what's not and can do it pretty fast, so I knew right away that wasn't real. The whispering still hadn't stopped and I aws very awake by this time so I knew that it was definitely a psychotic episode.
They usually start auditory for me, sounds that aren't there, voices that aren't there, so on. They go more and more vivid as it progresses and I get anxious, unless I can keep my cool. Then they stay like kind of a foggy second world laid over the current real world, that's when I can function the best.
I posted a message on facebook letting people know I"ll be taking a personal day, commented on a few threads that I felt the strong urge to reply to (and hoped they were real, once I commented on someone's art about some random shit that had nothing to do wtih them, really upset them when I had no idea what was going on).
That done, I wandered to tumblr because usually there's some pretty art there (I follow a lot of art blogs). Unfortunately there was a rather hate filled post, and within seconds the anxiety hit. The whispering rushed louder, like a roaring crowd, but still muffled so I couldn't UNDERSTAND them, but it sounded so angry. My desk faces a window, and I hate to close the curtains tightly because i started seeing eyes opening in the glass to stare at me, and the room started to spin.
I tend to calm down from things that make me angry if I respond and talk it out, so I posted a calm response, and pulled myself back into a more zen state. The roaring subsided, and I am now currently back to sitting in my room with fish swimming around my head. Zeus isn't acknowleging them so even if I didn't know that it's impossible for smoke fish to swim around my head, I owuld know they were not there.
I've eaten, so I'm not having a sugar low, and Shawn just walked in the door. I know he's real because all three of the dogs went lunging to the door to greet him. The roaring has subsided to three distinct voices talking in the living room and the fish have scattered. With another person in the room it's a little easier to maintain my grasp on things, so it's not surprising it's down to just voices. Everything has a kind of... blurred double outline, sort of like when you go to a three d movie and don't put on the glasses? Just not quite right yet.
Now there's knocking coming from the kitchen wall. It's a wall I want to put a dry erase board on anyway, and that area is dirty, so I think I'll just clean the wall down real good, get that area nice and pretty and see if I can find a cheap dry erase board somewhere. Shawn's here so he can drive me, I avoid driving when having days like this because I don't want to be a danger to others. There are a few mice running over my desk, it's the smokey thing again so it's not real and my cats would totally be all over the mice (see why I have cats?). All in all things feel like they've settled for now. I wasn't sure how today was going to go because I was alone, but now someone is here, so I can kind of.. stop being on alert to make sure that I know exactly what is real and what is not real. I don't feel like I am in danger, everything seems pretty harmless today, so I'll end this blog for now.
But I really wish I knew what those voices were talking about. I have the curiosity of a cat and it's so frustrating to hear people talking and not be able to *hear* them, I want to know what's being said. And I'm still not going to open those curtains. Nope nope. Nope.
But there you go. Pretty mild.